A happiness not my own

“It is sometimes a little lonely to be surrounded everywhere by a happiness that is not your own” -L.M. Montgomery

This week has been a mix of happy-sad, if that makes sense?  I have been working on trying to remain positive and hopeful. My next appointment is in 5 days and I am feeling some excitement and can’t help but hope and pray that we conceive despite the odds stacked against us- God is a God of miracles! It seems I am surrounded bombarded by new babies being born and pregnancy announcements. The last childless couple that got married the same Summer as my husband and I (I think there were 6) messaged me yesterday to let me know they’re expecting and baby is due in September. Its such a bittersweet emotion to be surrounded by so many pregnancies and babies- I love the excitement for everyone, but don’t love that I’m left behind, unable to share the experience. It seems this week more than ever we have received comments that are brought with good intention- but I get a lump in my throat when answering just the same. You all know the comments “when are you going to get aboard the baby wagon?” or “when are you going to catch up” and “don’t you want kids?” I honestly don’t mind when people ask me, my answer is always the same; “I love children so much and hopefully someday I will be blessed with lots of them” and I really haven’t been asked all that much before this week because everyone who knows me knows that I love children and can probably guess the reason we don’t have them yet is because we have had difficulty conceiving. I just get sad when its other men that make those comments to my husband. I know he doesn’t mind at all, but for some reason I care much more when these questions are directed at him. I know I don’t mention it enough, but my husband is the best man- ever. He always is so positive and caring at all the right times- he brings me so much joy and makes me feel so loved that I can’t help but want to be able to give him children, even if, or especially because he constantly reassures me that he will always be happy no matter what, and that we WILL have a family one way or another.

When other men make thoughtless, albeit well meaning remarks about “catching up” I just feel bad because its not his fault or even in his power.  It’s not in mine either, but its an awkward place to be helpless in the fertility department and seemingly “behind” when others don’t understand because it comes easily and naturally for them. Had pregnancy come easily to us, or even if trying meant success, we would be leaps and bounds “ahead” and if I’m honest I would probably be the person asking and wondering why others don’t have kids yet because I still can’t comprehend why couples wouldn’t want children. 

I hope this post isn’t giving people guilt or awkward feelings who have been blessed with a new pregnancy or baby because that wasn’t my intention! New life is a gift and it is so special and a happy time for celebrating- I especially feel happy and hopeful for those that it was a difficult journey to get to the place they are- I’m cheering you all on and its my goal to join the baby boat (or wagon or ship or any other mode of transportation that babies are on!) 

Romans 12:15- “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep”

 

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10 thoughts on “A happiness not my own

  1. Hope and pray that God sustains you and gives you peace and joy in this season of waiting. It’s tough to be surrounded by good news that others have. And am excited for your upcoming appointment!

    • Thank you so much Isabelle- you are really the sweetest! I know prayer is helping, and I have been more joyful and hopeful recently because I have so much to be thankful for! I’m always so nervous at appointments because they never go like I think they will and always keep me on my toes! But I’m praying and am so thankful for your prayers also!

  2. Thinking of you friend – I think the same thing! My best friend just had her 3rd and others who started AFTER we started are pregnant with their second. I’m just believing with you (and for you when you run out of energy) that God’s babies for you and your husband are coming at the perfect time. It doesn’t make sense now, but it will later. He is bringing you children of promise and hope – He is sovereign over EVERY delay! Keep hoping and believing. You are going to have a beautiful testimony to share in the end. Hugs for you!

    • Thank you so much, Caroline! You’re so right, I know we will look back and see how at just the right time (for me and you!) God has a plan and purpose for the exact time out children at brought into our lives but the during/ waiting part is no easy task! Hoping and believing with you!!

  3. Hang in there. There are lots of us in this with you, believing and praying for the same thing! Keep remembering that God is in control and has a perfect timing for you and your babies! I know that sounds trite/cliche – but honestly, I have to say this to myself all the time! It is the truth!!! 🙂 Sending hugs your way!

    • Thank you Kate! You’re so right! It’s not true that I’m the only one in this and God does have the perfect timing/plan for us all! I just need to wait and be patient!:-)

  4. I hear you hon. I feel so much joy for my friends and family who are realizing their dreams of a family, but it’s so hard to not feel sad at the same time. As for all the questions, I completely agree with everything you said. As well meaning as these questions are, it just makes so much harder sometimes. Hugs friend. I just know your dreams will be realized one day too.

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