“Father sat down on the edge of the narrow bed. “Corrie,” he began gently, “when you and I go to Amsterdam-when do I give you your ticket?”
I sniffed a few times, considering this.
“Why, just before we get on the train.”
“Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we’re going to need things, too. Don’t run out ahead of Him, Corrie. When the time comes, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need-just in time.” -The Hiding Place
While I was talking to my mom on the phone this afternoon, she asked me what the hardest part (upon hearing our not so good news on Monday) And I had to tell her it was the thought of letting go of the dream of having biological children. That is such a difficult reality for me to have to face- one that many have already faced ahead of me with grace and courage and super-strength. I know in my heart of hearts that I will be a Mother- one way or another, so I don’t grieve the chance of never being a Mother, its the thought of never having a biological child- one that maybe has my long eyelashes, or my husbands blue eyes. I don’t doubt that I couldn’t love a child that was not mine biologically, and that is another dream of mine, but I also have a dream to share children with my husband, a dream that may be unfulfilled. As my mind drifts into the unknown, I know I am getting ahead of myself, this isn’t my reality just yet, but I was worried I won’t have the strength to face it when it does. I was reminded of the quote from above- God will give me the strength when I need it- the hardest part hasn’t yet come because we still have 6 chances for a miracle. (At least, the Dr estimated we will have enough embryos survive the thaws so we are able to have 6 attempts) It’s hard not to jump ahead and start traveling down the path of thoughts that lead to despair- but I can’t let go of the hope, and if the time comes where I’m to let go, I have to have faith that I will be able to face it.