Just enough strength for today

“Father sat down on the edge of the narrow bed. “Corrie,” he began gently, “when you and I go to Amsterdam-when do I give you your ticket?”
I sniffed a few times, considering this.
“Why, just before we get on the train.”
“Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we’re going to need things, too. Don’t run out ahead of Him, Corrie. When the time comes, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need-just in time.” -The Hiding Place

 

While I was talking to my mom on the phone this afternoon, she asked me what the hardest part (upon hearing our not so good news on Monday) And I had to tell her it was the thought of letting go of the dream of having biological children. That is such a difficult reality for me to have to face- one that many have already faced ahead of me with grace and courage and super-strength. I know in my heart of hearts that I will be a Mother- one way or another, so I don’t grieve the chance of never being a Mother, its the thought of never having a biological child- one that maybe has my long eyelashes, or my husbands blue eyes.  I don’t doubt that I couldn’t love a child that was not mine biologically, and that is another dream of mine, but I also have a dream to share children with my husband, a dream that may be unfulfilled. As my mind drifts into the unknown, I know I am getting ahead of myself, this isn’t my reality just yet, but I was worried I won’t have the strength to face it when it does. I was reminded of the quote from above- God will give me the strength when I need it- the hardest part hasn’t yet come because we still have 6 chances for a miracle. (At least, the Dr estimated we will have enough embryos survive the thaws so we are able to have 6 attempts) It’s hard not to jump ahead and start traveling down the path of thoughts that lead to despair- but I can’t let go of the hope, and if the time comes where I’m to let go, I have to have faith that I will be able to face it. 

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12 thoughts on “Just enough strength for today

  1. One of my favourite Bible verses:
    Matthew 19:26 – Jesus looked at them and said, “with man, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible.”

  2. I haven’t even tried IVF yet, but I also think ahead to the “what if’s”–what if we can’t make a biological child? How will I accept that and move on? And I think you’re right–Faith is the key. XO

    • I think that thinking too far ahead is when I get the most upset- I jump right in to the worst possible scenario and the despair, I think I need to at least let myself think about the worst case scenario in case it happens so I won’t be totally shell shocked, but I think I take it too far in my mind because there is so much to be hopeful about too- so much could go right- for me and you:-)

  3. I know what you mean. We’ve decided to try on our own again for a few years and accept however many more losses we have in the meantime, in hopes of having another baby that is part of me before trying donor eggs. It seems like the best choice for us at this time, but I can’t help thinking ahead, and worrying that DE will be the route we end up taking. But as you said, there are still many possibilities between here and there and our faith will keep us going. Praying one of your 6 chances becomes at least one baby. With God, all things are possible indeed. Big hug!

  4. I haven’t been exactly where you are girl {we didn’t attempt IVF with our own embryos} but I have walked the road of grieving the opportunity to have a biological child. I came to experience and know God in a different way through that, as I literally cried out to Him as Abba father from a place of such hurt and fear. Eventually I was able to surrender it all to Him. Through that, he strengthened me, and eventually called me out of my mourning to put a new joy in my heart.

    All that to say, IF God is asking you to surrender a biological child, then He will never leave or forsake you…and you WILL make it through. I know when I was going through it, it meant so much to hear from people who had faced the same thing and come out on the other side.

    I am also working to surrender new fears, as my husband and I are pursuing embryo adoption. Once we’re matched, I too will be counting embryos, praying they’ll survive the thaw, and walking that line of “What is God planning here?” as we wait to see how He chooses to act.

    Thank you for sharing your story so honestly…sometimes it’s just nice to know that there is ‘nothing new under the sun’ with God. I love to see how He works in each of our lives…

  5. I hate all of this for you! I wish I could take away the pain. I hope you are able to remain steadfast in believing and hoping for the miracle and for your own children. Believing that God’s grace is so sufficient for you and these times when you feel weak, He carries you through the storm. Praying peace over you right now xoxo

  6. Hi Amy, I am going through the same situation as you, I have tried one in vitro in february that didn´t worked and I am expecting to schedule my 2nd IVF in May or June…..never thought on doing a 2 try, I always said I would only do one and if it didn´t worked then I would adopt, but after the first try and thinking in advance if this one also doesn´t work, I always end up thinking next time it will definetely work because now we are going to do X or Y, I misjudged couples that do a lot of tries, thinking it was a waste of money instead of helping children in need or something like that, but now I learned how bad is to judge others, because now that I am in these, I am thinking to keep trying all we can (economically wise)….I will keep trying and keep praying and I will be praying for you also…. I miss your posts, it has been a lot of days now, XOXO 🙂

    • Hi Lulu- thank you so much for your comment, it’s always so helpful to know we’re not alone! Going through IVF is never something I thought I would have to go through either- and failing at it was definitely not something I thought would be something I would have to face either! I’m keeping hope and praying for both of us that our second time will be successful! Keep me updated on how you’re doing! 🙂

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