Holding onto Hope

I’ve come to hope for the best and expect the worst with our experiences with IVF this far, and today was no exception. I arrived to my appointment to find out that my Doctor no longer works at the Hospital. No explanation was given, and I was assigned a new, equally un-sympathetic Doctor. I didn’t even have a chance to sit down before she told me to take off my clothes for the vaginal ultrasound. Thankfully, My ovaries look good, and so does my lining. We have a tentative FET date set for the 25th. I breathed a sigh of relief and before she could rush me out of her office I decided I would ask about our day 3 embryos. I wanted to know a little more about why there weren’t any frozen on Day 5 and if she could give me any information about the quality. She told me that none of the 20 embryos were going to make it to Day 5 blasts. That only 3 were fairly good/ok quality and the rest were poor. She said we would most likely be able to have 6 transfers. Its hard to even type that we have 17 poor embryos. Its so hard for me to swallow. Alex is excited and still feels our chances are very good- I want to share in his optimism, but I can’t help but be disappointed, mostly in myself. Can I just say how grateful I am for my loving husband and his happy heart? If nothing else, I am the luckiest girl in the world to have his love and care. God knew I would need him.

I know I don’t have control over any of this, and God is ultimately the Creator of life, but I just wanted to hear that our chances were great! That we had beautiful blasts- because they are beautiful to me and Alex and I wanted the Doctor to say the same. When I think about our children, nothing but happiness comes to mind- It hurts my heart to hear of them as “poor” because they are already certainly rich in love! The Dr didn’t give me any other information, just confirmed my next appointment and I left the Hospital- I didn’t ask her if she thought our chances were good/ bad/ fair/ poor ( I already know they’re not excellent). It doesn’t matter what she thinks, if this is our time, our day 3 embryo will make it to a baby, and if not, we won’t give up. I’m holding onto the hope that God will make me a happy mother of children, one way or another. (Psalms 113:9)

As I was riding the train home, I read Proverbs 3 multiple times, and I felt it was all meant for me. There is a peace in knowing I don’t have control, but a loving, wise and caring God does, and He cares for me and our babies. 

Proverbs 3:

My son, do not forget my teaching,

 but keep my commands in your heart,

for they will prolong your life many years
    and bring you peace and prosperity.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
    bind them around your neck,
    write them on the tablet of your heart.
Then you will win favor and a good name
    in the sight of God and man.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.[a]

Do not be wise in your own eyes;
    fear the Lord and shun evil.
This will bring health to your body
    and nourishment to your bones.

Honor the Lord with your wealth,
    with the firstfruits of all your crops;
10 then your barns will be filled to overflowing,
    and your vats will brim over with new wine.

11 My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline,
    and do not resent his rebuke,
12 because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
    as a father the son he delights in.[b]

13 Blessed are those who find wisdom,
    those who gain understanding,
14 for she is more profitable than silver
    and yields better returns than gold.
15 She is more precious than rubies;
    nothing you desire can compare with her.
16 Long life is in her right hand;
    in her left hand are riches and honor.
17 Her ways are pleasant ways,
    and all her paths are peace.
18 She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her;
    those who hold her fast will be blessed.

19 By wisdom the Lord laid the earth’s foundations,
    by understanding he set the heavens in place;
20 by his knowledge the watery depths were divided,
    and the clouds let drop the dew.

21 My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight,
    preserve sound judgment and discretion;
22 they will be life for you,
    an ornament to grace your neck.
23 Then you will go on your way in safety,
    and your foot will not stumble.
24 When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
    when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
25 Have no fear of sudden disaster
    or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked,
26 for the Lord will be at your side
    and will keep your foot from being snared.

27 Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
    when it is in your power to act.
28 Do not say to your neighbor,
    “Come back tomorrow and I’ll give it to you”—
    when you already have it with you.
29 Do not plot harm against your neighbor,
    who lives trustfully near you.
30 Do not accuse anyone for no reason—
    when they have done you no harm.

31 Do not envy the violent
    or choose any of their ways.

32 For the Lord detests the perverse
    but takes the upright into his confidence.
33 The Lord’s curse is on the house of the wicked,
    but he blesses the home of the righteous.
34 He mocks proud mockers
    but shows favor to the humble and oppressed.
35 The wise inherit honor,
    but fools get only shame.

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Holding onto Hope

  1. I am so sorry you are grieving so right now. I remember feeling shocked and heartbroken when we learned we only had 4 embryos that were not “poor quality.” It was such a shock after having so many eggs retrieved. But you are such an inspiration to turn to scripture in our times of doubt or fear or heartache. I am praying for you guys (embryos included) this morning!

    • I am so thankful for you, Logan! It was such a disappointment, but there is also so much the Doctors just don’t know. I’m praying for our little embryos too- that they would be little miracles despite their outward quality. Thank you so much for your prayers!

  2. So sorry to hear this about your embryos but no worries. Remember you hope isn’t in the doctor you have, the size, quality, or characteristics of your embryos but ONLY in God. His size, quality, qualities, characteristics, mercy, grace, faithfulness is what matters and what counts. Love you girlie!!

    waitingforbabybird.com

  3. I hate the grading system for embryos and I don’t think it means anything. A very good friend of mine was told her enbryos weren’t great and wouldn’t make it to blastocyst so they transferred 2 on day 3 and they now have a beautiful baby girl, so obviously 1 was perfect and they were wrong. Sending you and your embryos so many prayers!

    • Thank you so much for the story of your friend! Its really encouraging to hear stories of others who succeeded, it just never feels very good to be told our embryos/chances are poor. Thank you so much for your prayers friend!

  4. I hate how negative and insensitive doctors can be. Don’t give up on your beautiful embabies. Doctors don’t know anything. god had plans for those embryos to make it this far and He may have even more wonderful plans for them. It’s wonderful to see that you have your trust in God and not how the doctors are grading the embryos. I’ll be praying for your beautiful embryos.

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