Cycle Day 1

“When ours are interrupted, His are not. His plans are proceeding exactly as scheduled, moving us always (including those minutes or hours or years which seem most useless or wasted or unendurable) toward the goal of true maturity.”

 

Today was my cycle day 1! I was shocked and so excited when it finally arrived! I had resigned myself to the fact that I will probably just have to wait another month, since I was a week past my usual 30 day cycle, but I guess my body was trying to make up for last months 26 day cycle. I won’t be able to get into the clinic until Monday, since the clinic is closed on Sundays, so I will be on cycle day 3. I’m hoping we will still be able to proceed this month for our FET- I’m hoping and praying that this is our time!

 

I never mentioned that my friend, who I have blogged about here: https://wishingwales.wordpress.com/2014/01/09/a-modern-day-rachel-sarai-and-hannah/  messaged me last week asking if we could get together and catch up,I agonized over what to do for about 3 days. Was I ready to see her and her baby? Could I be genuine about my happiness for her and her husband? Or would I break down in tears?  I was mulling over these thoughts and then I unexpectedly was forced to see her at a military function. It was just small enough that there was no avoiding her or her husband, but I tried to! I felt embarrassed that I never responded to her email, and seeing her brought up all sorts of emotions in me. Towards the middle of the night she came up to me, and said “hello” and I said ” Hi, How are you?” and then it was awkward silence after that. My face was red as a beet the whole evening. I was ashamed that I couldn’t be bigger than this situation, but it was too much. I pride myself on being genuine and just can’t being myself to make disingenuous pleasantries- its not in my nature to have these waging feelings towards another person/ situation, but I did. I would have liked to strike up a conversation about how life with her baby is, but I didn’t think I could handle it gracefully. My throat had a big lump.

 After the night was over, I felt ashamed, but I also had an answer. I was not ready to “catch up” like she wanted, but she needed a response to her message, so tonight, after a long shower sob , I honestly replied to her about why I just couldn’t exchange pleasantries. It was so hard to be truthful! Especially because its nothing she did or didn’t do- it was all me and my own insecurities. I made myself very vulnerable and let her know that being around people I know it was easy for them to conceive is a reminder to me of what I have failed at for the last couple of years. I told her that I was sorry, and I wanted to give her an explanation as to why I had been cold and distant and that I needed to work past my own insecurity, and I know I’m missing out on a special friendship. I pray that one day I will be at a place where I can “catch up” with a cup of coffee, but I’m just not there yet- but with God’s help, someday, I can be.


 

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8 thoughts on “Cycle Day 1

  1. What you are feeling is totally normal. I went through a period of time when I couldn’t talk to pregnant women, especially friends. Especially the ones who got pregnant relatively easily. I think it’s a responsible thing to be honest with your feelings. It’s not the easy way out. But it’ll do you so much good, especially for reaching the point when you can finally face them and talk to them. I think you will reach the point where you can catch up, but like you said, not without God’s help. I’d been praying for that for months and finally somehow one day I was okay with them… and started to be genuinely happy for them. Not all the time, but it’s a work in progress. And I am so glad that the Lord gives me a glimpse of what can be while I continue to work towards that. It’s healthy to confront your own feelings and I am so glad you are doing that! Good luck with this cycle and to get the FET going!

    • Thank you so much for you encouragement! I’m not sure why I can be genuinely happy for most people, but this one couple I really really struggle with. It’s definitely a work in progress for me!

  2. Ahh, doll, this is so very ok, to feel like this. We all go through those periods where we can’t talk to pregnant people, can’t show love to babies, and just canNOT deal with anything related to children. I can’t. I can’t even look at babies now and neurotically avoid all things related to them right now. I just ignore they even exist. But it will get there, you will get there. And I have no doubt your friends and family will understand. I am thinking of you, girl, and praying you will have some peace. But it is ok, just so you know.

    • Thanks so much love! I really struggle with this particular couple, I wish I could handle it more graciously but at this time I’m just not there yet, but I want to be better, I’m a work in progress. I’m so so thankful for your understanding:-)

  3. I think you made the right choice in emailing her. There are several instances that I can look back on and WISH I had been more honest and straightforward with people, instead of avoiding them, etc. It sounds like, in the end, you did handle it gracefully and graciously. We are all works in progress, and learning and we go! (: Can’t wait to see how this cycle ends for you!

    • Thanks friend, I got a reply today and she was glad I emailed her back also. It didn’t make anything easier, but I think it’s better I tried to explain than to just keep her wondering. I’m anxious to see how this cycle ends for me as well!:-)

  4. Hey, I’m going through this right now–it’s new to me and I’m also very conflicted about my feelings, so my instinct is to avoid pregnant and newly-parenting friends because I just don’t want to hear about it and then cringe when they ask “So how are you?” I also pride myself on being genuine, so I would just rather avoid these people and situations. It sucks, but better choice do we have? XO

    • Thanks girl, so glad I’m not alone in feeling this way. It’s so hard to know how to respond while not being completely rude and cold. I know it won’t always be like this for us- we will get to the other side!

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