“When ours are interrupted, His are not. His plans are proceeding exactly as scheduled, moving us always (including those minutes or hours or years which seem most useless or wasted or unendurable) toward the goal of true maturity.”
Today was my cycle day 1! I was shocked and so excited when it finally arrived! I had resigned myself to the fact that I will probably just have to wait another month, since I was a week past my usual 30 day cycle, but I guess my body was trying to make up for last months 26 day cycle. I won’t be able to get into the clinic until Monday, since the clinic is closed on Sundays, so I will be on cycle day 3. I’m hoping we will still be able to proceed this month for our FET- I’m hoping and praying that this is our time!
I never mentioned that my friend, who I have blogged about here: https://wishingwales.wordpress.com/2014/01/09/a-modern-day-rachel-sarai-and-hannah/ messaged me last week asking if we could get together and catch up,I agonized over what to do for about 3 days. Was I ready to see her and her baby? Could I be genuine about my happiness for her and her husband? Or would I break down in tears? I was mulling over these thoughts and then I unexpectedly was forced to see her at a military function. It was just small enough that there was no avoiding her or her husband, but I tried to! I felt embarrassed that I never responded to her email, and seeing her brought up all sorts of emotions in me. Towards the middle of the night she came up to me, and said “hello” and I said ” Hi, How are you?” and then it was awkward silence after that. My face was red as a beet the whole evening. I was ashamed that I couldn’t be bigger than this situation, but it was too much. I pride myself on being genuine and just can’t being myself to make disingenuous pleasantries- its not in my nature to have these waging feelings towards another person/ situation, but I did. I would have liked to strike up a conversation about how life with her baby is, but I didn’t think I could handle it gracefully. My throat had a big lump.
After the night was over, I felt ashamed, but I also had an answer. I was not ready to “catch up” like she wanted, but she needed a response to her message, so tonight, after a long shower
sob, I honestly replied to her about why I just couldn’t exchange pleasantries. It was so hard to be truthful! Especially because its nothing she did or didn’t do- it was all me and my own insecurities. I made myself very vulnerable and let her know that being around people I know it was easy for them to conceive is a reminder to me of what I have failed at for the last couple of years. I told her that I was sorry, and I wanted to give her an explanation as to why I had been cold and distant and that I needed to work past my own insecurity, and I know I’m missing out on a special friendship. I pray that one day I will be at a place where I can “catch up” with a cup of coffee, but I’m just not there yet- but with God’s help, someday, I can be.