I am so sorry for my lack of regular posts lately, I’m still following y’all and cheering you on! For me, Nothing notable or enlightening has really happened to shake my world, but the last few weeks I have been doing a lot of reflecting, thinking and pondering. I’ve spent the last couple of years in the trenches of infertility, and its been such a big part of me, that the last couple of weeks I’ve just allowed myself a little reprieve for my body, mind and spirit. Nothing momentous has occurred, I’m just enjoying this quiet time. I’m cautious about what happens next, so many unknowns that are fast approaching in the next month or so.
This last weekend, Alex and I were able to explore a little bit of the city, Seoul. We just enjoyed one another’s company and relaxed. We both quietly thought, “is it bad we’re happy for this time, just the two of us?” I love time spent with my husband so much. Having children is a natural desire that flows when two people are committed and in love, and that desire is so strong in us- all of our future dreams involve a house-full of children, but just for this time, for these almost 3 years of just us, we have loved our time together as just husband and wife. So much that I’m mourning a little of what we are (hopefully) going to lose. The full 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, the candle lit dinners at a table for two, the ability to travel at the drop of a hat, the quality time we get to share together. Such conflicting emotions in me! Although I know that children bring a sense of new wonderment and excitement to life that we lose as adults, I can’t help but be thankful for the special times I’ve been gifted with my husband.
We are both more than ready and excited to add to our little home of love, so I think we are just soaking in every ounce of time that we have left of just the two of us. I know I will be heart broken if our treatments fail, and I’ll probably be cursing this post for even having feelings of hesitancy, but I am cautiously optimistic that we will be adding to our family soon, so I am allowing myself to bask in the now. The making of fancy dinners that kids will stick up their noses at, the trips to the city to museums and shopping districts that would be monotonous to carry children through, watching back to back episodes of shows that we enjoy together (because I know that Disney will overrun our house once our home is graced with children!) the uninterrupted reading of many novels in the quietness of our love nest are just a few of the things I am relishing.
I am enjoying all of these things now, because I know, that once children are added, our lives will change, for the better, but change for me, whether good or bad, is always approached with some hesitance because of the elements of the unknown. When do “the good old days” become such? Why do we press forward, pursuing change only to look back on the old times as “the good old days” when while we were in the midst of them we were seeking something new and different? I am confident that I will look back at the first few years of our marriage as good times. Will I forget the devastation and sting that infertility brought during these times? Likely no. But somehow, memories minimize our pain when the pain has passed. I see myself doing that with OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome) While I was in the midst of it, I vowed I would never put myself through the agony ever again. Now looking back, even though I still don’t have a baby, it is worth it to me. Even if its just a small stepping stone leading up to a baby, I would do it again in a heart beat if needed. I press forward because when I imagine Christmas throughout the years of my life, I see it filled with the excitement and wonder of children. I see my husband playing catch with our children and teaching them to drive and navigate, baking cookies and them licking the dough covered spatula, bedtimes lullaby’s and Bible stories before bed. Yes, the “good old days” are good, but the little moments I envision of our future with children, now those little glimmers of hope make my heart skip a little beat. Lord, help me to know when I am in “the good ol’days” and not let them pass by without me taking the time to savor them.