“On the day I called, You answered me; You made me bold with strength in my soul”- Psalm 138:3
Yesterday I had my appointment at the Clinic to begin progesterone/ estrogen for our hopeful transfer date of March 19th, I was excited to find out in person how our little babies are doing and foolishly started dreaming about due dates and such if this ends in a pregnancy (like I am hoping and praying it will!), but was feeling lethargic and in pain because this was the the first day of my cycle, and its usually very heavy and crampy so I was dreading the trek it takes to get to my appointment. I wanted to get into comfies, drink tea and watch Anne of Green Gables all day.
I was seeing a different Doctor because mine was not scheduled to work that day. I asked the new Dr. about our babies and all she could really say was that there was still 20 that were frozen on day 3. I didn’t really think to ask why they weren’t frozen on Day 5 and she told me that they won’t be able to tell me quality or grade until the day of my transfer. I was disappointed to not be able to know more about our babies and details of why they were frozen on day 3 and not day 5, but was just happy that I would know in a few weeks.
As soon as I felt the ultrasound wand, I knew my ovaries were still really sore. the Dr’s expression was not a good one either. I couldn’t see the ultrasound, but instinctively knew I should prepare myself for not good news about this month proceeding like I had hoped. The Dr asked me when I had to go back to the States (most of their non-Asian patients travel from other countries because it is cheaper in South Korea to do IVF; see my IVF Expenses in Korea page) but I let her know that I live here and will be around for at least another 2.5 years. She said that was good because my ovaries were still very swollen and needed extra time to heal. That it would be best for my body to rest another month. I got a lump in my throat because I’m just so tired of more waiting, but nodded and said I would call my English coordinator when I start my next period next.
I felt dejected walking back to the subway. I had traveled 2.5 hours, in pain, to get to this appointment, to wait another 3 hours to see a Dr that didn’t know me, to be told go back home and wait another month and travel another 2 hours on an over crowded, stinky train that had no seats (or as the Koreans pronounce it in English “no shits” available) I crossed my arms and my mind was filled with ungrateful thoughts. Alex has been away for the last couple weeks, but we’ve been able to text, so I let him know I was disappointed with our lack of news about the babies, and that we had to wait another month to even start, and this was his response: “ I just can’t help but think this is all going to work out and it will all be worth the wait. I am so hopeful and we are closer than we have ever been. And I am excited to do it all with you. I love doing everything with you. I appreciate you so much.” Immediately end of ungrateful thoughts. And I apologize to anyone reading the above complaining. I have NO place to be upset and after my pout session, I realized how terrible my thoughts were! Then I turned my thoughts right around:
- Waiting means another month of preparation and prayer for our little babies
- It means my body will be a better, more cozy place for our babies
- How blessed am I to have such an amazing, supportive, caring husband
- We have 20 potential babies together! It doesn’t matter if they weren’t frozen on day 5, I need to be grateful we have any at all!
- We are blessed to even be able to pursue IVF
- We are so blessed to live in Korea, where its made it possible for us to afford IVF without debt or even been a financial burden
The list could go on and on and on. This was not meant to be our time again, but maybe next month will. God has already appointed the perfect time for us, and in the mean time, all I have room for is thanks. We’re closer than we ever have been and are so hopeful. I don’t need to know all the details on our babies, because God knows, and His plans and timing are perfect!
Throughout this round of IVF, this song has been on repeat and I can’t stop singing it! I’m always behind on the music scene, so the first time I heard this song was back in Alabama, where the worship team would sing this song. All the songs they sang I thought were originals because I had never heard any of them, but this one I had to be able to listen to even if we weren’t able to be at that Church anymore. So I went online to try and find it, and it was by Kari Jobe! I had no idea!