“If you would know love, you must know pain too”

“She bent forward to look, then gave a startled little cry and drew back. There was indeed a seed lying in the palm of his hand, but it was shaped exactly like a long, sharply-pointed thorn… ‘The seed looks very sharp,’ she said shrinkingly. ‘Won’t it hurt if you put it into my heart?’
He answered gently, ‘It is so sharp that it slips in very quickly. But, Much-Afraid, I have already warned you that Love and Pain go together, for a time at least. If you would know Love, you must know pain too.’
Much-Afraid looked at the thorn and shrank from it. Then she looked at the Shepherds face and repeated his words to herself. ‘When the seed of Love in your heart is ready to bloom, you will be loved in return,’ and a strange new courage entered her. She suddenly stepped forward, bared her heart, and said, ‘Please plant the seed here in my heart.’
His face lit up with a glad smile and he said with a note of joy in his voice, ‘Now you will be able to go with me to the High Places and be a citizen in the Kingdom of my Father.’
Then he pressed the thorn into her heart. It was true, just as he had said, it did cause a piercing pain, but it slipped in quickly and then, suddenly, a sweetness she had never felt or imagined before tingled through her. It was bittersweet, but the sweetness was stronger. She thought of the Shepherd’s words, ‘It is so happy to love,’ and her pale, sallow cheeks suddenly glowed pink and her eyes shown. For a moment Much-Afraid did not look afraid at all.
– from “Hinds Feet on High Places”

Three days ago I had my IVF appointment to begin stimming meds for this month. On my way to my appointment, I was very nervous to hear what the doctor would say. We never had a follow up appointment after my failed egg retrieval so I had some questions I wanted to ask about our chances for this cycle. My palms were sweaty and my stomach was a bundle of nerves travelling to my appointment. Would she say my egg quality was bad? Would she have any idea as to why, despite my 20+ follicles, I was unable to produce a single egg. I had my own suspicions, and although the outcome was far from what I had hoped it would be, I felt protection. I felt hopeful that the horizon would be beautiful and sweet in its time, and last month was not the perfect time, but I still wanted an idea of what went wrong. 

When I arrived at the clinic, the dr was happier than I had ever seen her when she went to greet me. She was friendly and warm (two traits I would have never given her before) I felt she was genuinely happy I was trying again with her.I don’t know if  I mentioned before I didn’t feel like this doctor was was very understanding. She flat out told us she doesn’t know why we want kids when we are young, but at this appointment, she was kind and sensitive. She let me know it was the trigger shot my body didn’t respond to, from my own research I agree with this, as I had never heard of anyone else triggering with Deca-durabolin, which is a steroid and not HCG. I think she was extremely worried about OHSS, and rightly so. We will be triggering with a different medication this time, and she said she has no reason to believe we won’t be successful. When I told her other than a little discomfort 2 days following the egg retrieval, she was shocked. She told me she was quite certain I would have a severe case of OHSS. She told me again, her goal is quality, not quantity so I am at a very low dose of Menopur for the next 5 days when my next appointment will be. 

Following the appointment, I felt relief. Like Much-Afraid in the story above, I kept repeating to myself “Love and Pain go together, for a time at least. If you would know Love, you must know pain too.’ I have received so many encouraging words from friends, and family the last couple of days that I feel God is using to speak to me. Just last night, a dear friend of mine sent me this verse “Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is open to everyone who knocks. You parents- if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake?Of course not! If you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him?” Another phrase was spoken to me in passing, and I can’t get it out of my mind. It went like this: “Never accept the fears of today to be the reality of the future.”  I’m looking ahead, not willing to accept my fears from our previous failure, because I know God has some sweet plans for my future, and the sweetness will over-rule the bitter parts!



5 thoughts on ““If you would know love, you must know pain too”

  1. As soon as I saw the beginning of your post, I knew where you were quoting from. I have thought about that story many, many MANY times in my life…even as I was contemplating pain, too. But our pain is NEVER wasted. If it wasn’t absolutely necessary to the larger equation, He would never allow it. But if He does, there is a greater good on the other side. God totally cares about our pain!!! That reality has been huge to me!

    Praying all goes with for the future! Believing God for all good things concerning you and your little eggs!!! xo

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