“How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although The Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying “this is the way; walk in it.” -Isaiah 30:19-21
The last couple of days have been difficult, but much less than I would have imagined and I know it’s because of all the prayers on our behalf. I have tried not to dwell on why things went wrong, or speculate too much, but I am so confident that there is a reason why we weren’t successful with our egg retrieval. I am so so hopeful that we will have a family more than ever, I can’t fully explain it but I feel very at peace and have complete trust in Gods timing. Honestly I was scared at having too many eggs. I feel strongly that I had to give every embryo the best chance at life, now I won’t have any reason for my conscience to be hindered. I know the likelihood that every egg would have been good enough quality to become an embryo is not very high, but what if they were and we had 20 babies waiting for us? The clinic only allows embryos to remain frozen 5 years, and 20 babies in 5 years is not feasible. I wouldn’t feel at peace giving any of our embryo babies up for adoption and especially never to be discarded. So even though I am terribly disappointed, I feel thankful for Gods protection even in this.
My Mom shared with me that between my brother and I, she had a miscarriage. She was so broken hearted and sad but 10 months later she became pregnant with me. If my Mom had never had a miscarriage, I wouldn’t exist. It doesn’t make the pain of losing one baby any less, but God had a plan for me to be born and live for such a time as this, and I am confident that God has a plan for my babies too. This month wasn’t that time, but the time is coming and I’m so happy thinking about it. So hopeful and comforted and so thankful at Gods goodness and grace towards me.
I hope you all have the sweetest new year! 2014 is going to be full of love and hope!