For a while now, I have been asking God for wisdom, understanding and insight. We usually can’t see God’s purpose or plans until He reveals them in His perfect timing, but I feel like God has orchestrated a big plan for a family for Alex and I from the day of my being and His plans are always better than my own.
One of the prayers I have been fervently praying over the last couple of years is that God would break my heart for what breaks His. I truly, sincerely requested this, and now I can see just a glimpse of what breaks God’s heart. I know from studying the Bible that widows, orphans and the poor are repeatedly mentioned. So I know that God has placed a particular burden on my heart for the orphan, particularly foster children. It was Alex’s and my plan to be foster parents as soon as we found out where we were going to be stationed next. We were stationed in Korea, where Americans who live in Korea cannot adopt Korean children and where we would be unable to foster children from the US (obviously)
I have had an inner struggle about having enough faith to believe that God will give us biological children naturally. I don’t doubt that God can, I just have doubted my own faith. I have seen so many people, asking for miracles with such strong faith, who God chose not to answer their prayers. Even Jesus prayed a prayer that God didn’t answer in the Garden of Gethsemane, because he had a bigger plan for the whole world. I know that any miracle God chooses to bestow, is because of His goodness and His grace. I don’t believe it has anything to do with me. God is capable of immeasurably more than I could imagine. Of course I still pray, as it is essential to my relationship with Jesus, but God doesn’t need me for anything. Its freeing and humbling when I think about it.
My main concerns with IVF is that I didn’t want to lack the faith to believe that God could give us children naturally if he wanted to and I was very scared of the process. I won’t presume to know God’s plan because He hasn’t promised me children. I have faith that we will have a family and He has given me a love for children, but I need to place Jesus as the most important promise in my life. Jesus is enough. I don’t think I will get a burning bush that tells me to go ahead or not to do IVF, but if I take it, one step at a time, and to seek wisdom and guidance, that He will be pleased with me, and thats what I ultimately want; a life that pleases my King.
After a lot of praying and discussion over the last few weeks, both Alex and I feel such a peace and excitement to begin pursuing IVF. My Mom has faithfully been praying that God’s perfect will for our family be worked out in our lives, and it is too exciting to watch His plans unfold! I know that had we been stationed anywhere in the US, we would have been gung-ho about foster parenting and possibly may not have pursued having our own biological children as eagerly. Had adopting a Korean child been an option, we would have pursued it here. If circumstances had been good to where we had found a reputable homestudy agency that was US lisenced, we would have put having our own biological children on the back burner to pursue adoption. I feel an absolute peace that now is the time to pursue trying to have biological children. As I have already mentioned, the care and procedures are identical to in the US, and are much more affordable. We may have never pursued IVF in the states because of the cost, where here, it is very affordable. In the past, I was scared and afraid of the procedures and needles and more failure, but I now have an understanding that even if we are unable to conceive via IVF, God is in control and my only job is to put complete faith in HIM, not the doctors. God is stretching me and my faith through this, and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Our first initial/informal appointment with the fertility clinic is November 16 and we can’t stop smiling!
“If you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as silver and search for it as hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.”- Proverbs 2:2-6