Webster has two definitions of the word ‘crossroads’: 1. an intersection of two or more roads and 2. a point at which a crucial decision must be made which will have far-reaching consequences. Over the last couple of weeks, Alex and I have been parked at a crossroad, wondering which road is the right road for us to pursue, as I know whichever road we take, it will have far-reaching consequences. We have been praying, thinking, constantly researching and discussing the topic of “our family” with close friends and confidants. Here is our delima: When we first met with the Doctor who performed my laparoscopy and did the blood test and semen analysis, he let us know right off that if we were not pregnant 6 months after the surgery, our chances for pregnancy would go back down to 2% each month and that we would not be good candidates for IUI since Alex’s sperm is great. Our best chance would be to go straight to IVF or take a break and begin Lupron for 6 months. My six month wait is now past and we are still not pregnant, and to be honest, the surgery did not have an effect on the pain management. Each month, I feel the same excrutiating cramps as I did pre-surgery. We were advised not to wait, that although we are still young (26) our chances for natural pregnancy will decrease each year and its best to do IVF while we are still young. Here is an excellent article I found:
I will tell you that I am a wimp when it comes to needles, and IVF was unimaginable when we first went to the doctor to begin trying to figure out what is causing our infertility. I put it out of my mind completely. I had faith that we wouldn’t have to walk that road. But here we are. I think God is trying to make me stronger, and teaching me perseverance.
We have also been researching just how ivf works with us being in South Korea and being military, and the news was encouraging! Here, the average cost for one round of ivf is 3,000.00 Yes, You read that correctly! It is much more affordable in South Korea than in the US. Tricare (military healthcare) does cover Dr visits and ultrasounds and some medication, the actual procedure would be out of pocket for us, but it is very do-able. The 2 people I have had contact with who have pursued IVF here both resulted in pregnancy (one with twins!) and have had a very positive experience. I will be honest, I read about others experiences with IVF and I think they are so brave! I question if I have the strength to endure the procedures. I know it will stretch me- physically, emotionally, mentally. I already know it will cause me to place my ultimate trust in God, and that the results may lead to more heartache. I wonder if I’m strong enough, and can my heart take more failure? I would have to travel by train over an hour to the clinic about every day. Mostly by myself, in a foreign country where I can’t even read the signs for directions. Then try and communicate with a staff that I don’t speak the same language. My head is spinning, but my heart is hopeful.
We also feel a strong burden to adopt, but we have been at a stand-still for over 2 weeks now, unable to effectively communicate with the agency that we initially thought could do our homestudy. We know we are called to adopt. Without a doubt. We just can’t pursue both adoption and infertility treatments at the same time and once again, we are feeling the door being closed on adoption right now, while there is another door I was too scared to open months ago being slowly opened. We are praying for clarity and wisdom right now as to which road to go down and we feel we are being nudged to pursue ivf.
The scripture I opened up to this morning was Psalm 27:1 “The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?” As you can probably gather from this post, I am afraid of ivf, previously so afraid I wouldn’t even allow myself to think it was an option for Alex and I, but slowly, I am learning I shouldn’t fear ivf or even failure, or childlessness because the Lord should be my stronghold, my light and my salvation. I could use a lot of prayer and any advice anyone has to offer us right now as we wait, pray and see what God has planned for us for this season in our lives!