This week has been tough for me. For some reason, I have felt a deep sadness and the other day, I just had to let it out and cry till I couldn’t stand. My husband had to hold me up I felt such an overwhelming sadness. I will admit part of it is due to two of my closest friends back at Rucker having their babies due this week and next. My thoughts drifted to a dark place in which I told myself I was no closer to holding a child of my own in my arms than I was 20 months ago, and they will be holding their precious babies in their arms at home this week. I remember being so excited for them (and still am) throwing them their baby showers and picking out their gifts, hoping and praying my turn would be next, or telling myself that by the time they find out the gender, I’ll have a growing belly too. But it was not meant to be. Each month it got more and more difficult to watch their growing bellies because I was reminded of my own empty one. Each milestone they passed I couldn’t imagine how I would get through the next one, but I have. It hasn’t gotten easier, even when we’re separated by continents I still feel the same ache of not experiencing the precious gift of pregnancy, but God has carried me, and will continue to do so and the truth is that I AM closer to being a mother! Closer than I was 20 months ago. We have our application to adopt almost completed and just need to have the contract and application notarized and sent in. We still have so much to do and have so far to go, but we are closer and just when I think I’m not strong enough to continue, God will sustain me, carry me and rescue me.
“You whom I have upheld since you were conceived and carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you, I will sustain you and rescue you.”- Isaiah 46:3b-4