A Happy Mother of Children

This afternoon I had my follow up appointment with my Doctor for the last time. From last month’s clomid cycle I had had a very large cyst on one of my ovaries so they had to do an ultrasound to see if it had gone down (which it did slightly.) I left the office with the instructions to find a doctor as soon as we get to Korea to have my cyst closely monitored. My Dr. tried to make small talk about how exciting it will be to be in Korea, he talked briefly about his mission trip to China,my husband graduating flight school, what a neat couple we are, etc., etc. He seemed to want to talk about everything but the fact that we still have been unable to conceive. I left the office with my huge packet of records and learned more from reading my files than I did actually meeting with and talking to him! I know it’s partly my fault, as I like to be courteous and not make my doctors appointment about me and instead like to ask the Doctor how his life is going (I’m weird!) but when I leave, I always have unanswered questions and missing pieces of information.
I learned via his notes that my endometiosis was on the higher side of mild (he told us it was only mild) that both my ovaries had entagled and attached to my lining so that a pregnancy would not be viable prior to surgery and that it was recommended that if I was not pregnant after 3 months post surgery, he would reccomend a vigorous treatment of lupron for 6 months. (This is our 4th month post surgery) I was a bit taken aback and couldn’t stop the tears in the car. I always have a flood of emotions leaving the Dr’s office, and feel part ashamed and sad, but I also think maybe this is God nudging us in another direction to give him complete control. Over the last few months, I have really been challenged to step out in faith, make a bold decision, expecting a miracle that God will move mountains on our behalf, I also know that there is a purpose as to why we have not been able to conceive yet.
I have been studying the miracles in the Bible, and noticed that many times, Jesus invited the people to be a part of the miracles he performed. It’s not that God can’t perform a miracle by himself, its that he allows us to be a part of it. To step out in faith, to pick up our mat and walk when all our lives we have been lame, to stretch out our hand when it has always been shriveled, to start putting thousands of people into groups to feed when there are only 5 loaves and 2 fish. He could without a word do anything all on his own, snap his fingers and poof, the 5,000 are fed, but he made the disciples step out in faith by placing the people into groups before there was enough food. I know God is asking Alex and I to do the same, to take a big step of faith.
There has always been the desire in our hearts to adopt, but Alex and I have always timidly pushed it back with each hurdle that came our way, well, not anymore. We have decided that if God has a child for us through adoption, he will make a way for us, even when we are in another country and the list of fees is a whole page long! We began communication with an adoption agency this week, and are so excited and nervous to watch a miracle unfold! We both know that, even if God gives us a biological child, we are still called to adopt and I have such a hope and peace in that, even if it takes many years or only a few months! God has given me a desire to have many children, and His word says “He settles the barren woman in her home as the happy mother of children.” I think all along, God has been inviting me to be a part of a miracle, and that in his timing, my hearts desire will be fufilled and this barren woman will be a happy mother of children!